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21st October 2010

dragonguyver2:41am: Resident Evil Afterlife, and also, Hollywood, stop.
Resident Evil Afterlife

I actually came to livejournal here to bitch about Hollywood movies. I was watching the new Resident Evil, the fourth in the series now, and I wanted to complain about it, and modern Hollywood in general, but thought it wasn't really good for my facebook.

fucking hollywood bullshitCollapse )
Current Mood: angry

22nd February 2007

dragonguyver6:16am: what a cast!
National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1 has pretty much the funniest cast ever.

the funniest cast everCollapse )


Let's talk movies with great casts. You're next.
Current Mood: amused

29th September 2005

dragonguyver7:33pm: weekly trailer update
Good Night and Good Luck
Ladies and gentlemen, watch for this movie! Robyn and I saw the trailer yesterday when we went to see Lord of War, and we were very, very excited. It's a film taking place during the worst years of McCarthyism, and focuses on six american newsreporters who challanged him. It looks to be a true story, and uses real archived footage of McCarthy's speeches. David Strathairn is fucking perfect for his role, and the rest of the cast is goddamn spectacular. I think this could potentially be one of the most important films that could come out right now. We're gonna see it.
Release date: October 7th
Score: 97/100

Broken Flowers
I saw the poster for this one and was immediately excited. I've been very pleased with Murray's work in the past few years, particularly Lost in Translation. I think he's really hitting the golden years of his career. Anyway, this is about an aging man who was a real Don Juan in his younger years, who receives a note from one of his past lovers that she gave birth to his son years ago. The problem is, the letter is unsigned and he has no idea who it might be from. It looks cute and authentic. I wanna see it. It's in theaters right now, so catch it as soon as you can if you're going to.
Release date: August 5th
Score: 90/100

North Country
This doesn't look bad at all. A very nice cast, and a decent story too. It's about female workers rights, and stuff that happened at a mine in 1989. So, check out the trailer if that sounds like your bag. I might see the movie
Release date: October
Score: 80/100

The Ringer
Ahhh, that looks hilarious! Johnny Knoxville (always a plus) plays a defunct track runner who is convinced into playing retard to enter the Special Olympics. Lots of retarded kids here, friends, and surely not the most PC of humor, if you think it will offend, stay away!
Release date: Undeclared
Score: 85/100


Superman Returns
Warning: this video takes forever to load, and runs about 8 minutes or so, I think... Bryan Singer's video blog shows some footage from the upcoming trailer, presented at Comic Con.
Release Date: June or something, 2006
Score: I'm Interested



Also, a Something Positive fan-made movie. I liked it good, so if you are a fan of the webcomic (and if you're not, what the fuck are you doing at Spadortch?), then it is definitely worth a look.
Score: 85/100

23rd September 2005

dragonguyver3:59pm: graphics in novels.
I've been reading a lot of graphic novels lately, so I wanted to give you some thoughts on them. Well, it's content anyway!


Hellblazer

This was a graphic novel called "All His Engines". You should know I saw "Constantine" before I read any Hellblazer comics. The first thing that I caught onto was the difference in the character of Chas, who isn't like a fucking teenager suckup hollywood cliche like in the movie. I liked it better in the book.

The story was alright, although I didn't get into John Constantine's character as much. The art wasn't bad, but it was confused at times, and some of the effects attempted at with the font faces was obnoxious. It was pretty graphic, though, and there were definitely some good scenes. I also liked how Constantine handed the demonic manipulator his ass, and then tricked the other demon and such. Let's just say there are some good twists for the climax, and John pulls some mystic McGyvering.

It's worth a read, for sure. I will try to find some of the other volumes to follow it up. You might want to skip this one if you're really interested, because it isn't even a part of the original series. It's some kind of one-shot, made up probably to capitalize on the release of the movie.
7.5/10


David Boring

While it's been a bit since I actually read this book, I definitely wanted to give you all a heads-up on it, because I totally loved it (Unlike a previous work by the same creator, "Ghost World")

I don't know exactly how to put it in words. It was very real. The character was so engaging. There wasn't a plot, tjere was a story, and it was super engaging. I don't really want to give anything away, but lets say it's a story about a year or so in the life of the title character, who is a young man, and his love life and obsessions. It's very unconventional and... well I just fucking loved it and lack the language for it.
9.8/10


Nightmare Alley

This is a really good graphic adaptation of a 40s-era noir book-and-movie. It concerns the life of one man and his drive to be rich and famous, and his ultimate and foreseeable fall. He begins as a carnie, pulling little magic tricks. He seduces a beautiful young performer there and pulls her into bigger shows, becoming more successful.

It's a pretty fascinating book, and shows what seems to be a very accurate portrayal of the con-man/performer's life. The characters' flaws are easily seen and their falls are properly executed. The major roles of this sort of noir story are all filled, and it's very satisfying in how well it is done, altogether. I reccomend this one, and I am looking to see the movie, as well.
9/10


Sandman

I've put off reading this for a long while, for a number of good reasons. Recently, I just kind of felt like it was a good time to check it out. Since, I've read the first three volumes, and really enjoyed them.

If you know anything about the non-conventional side of comicdom, you've certainly heard of Sandman. This is with good reason. It isn't that it is out-there mind-numbingly brilliantly different from everything else ever, it's because it's just slightly twisted, but utterly complete, down to the finest details.

The art shows its age, of course, being from the late 80s. It's good for the era, so we forgive it. There isn't much in the way of glaringly obnoxious visual shit, though, so it's deal-withable.

The first volume is fairly serial in its episodes, as is the second. The third switches up and becomes more episodic and even slightly random. I'm waiting to read the fourth and fifth to see if this gets carried on too long, but for now its all good.

The plot and characters are utterly believable and, despite the content matter, easy to relate to. It's engaging and fascinating. Sandman is good shit.
9.5/10

17th September 2005

dragonguyver3:39pm: revolution strange
When I first saw (thanks to coryrain) what Nintendo's new console controller looked like, I didn't know what to think. It seemed utterly retarded at a glance. And then I read about it, and I started to think, "well maybe..."

The Nintendo Revolution Controller

take a long look, my friends. For that is the primary method of interacting with Nintendo's next generation console, and every game it will include. Pretty funny, ain't it? Seems laughable at first.

The rundown: It's wireless and rectangular. It's got a d-pad at the top, a big "Do" button labeled A, and a trigger-style B button. There are start, home, and select buttons in a row. Now below that, is a horizontal row also labeled "a" and "b". Finally, a bank of lights to remind you which freaking player you are. Doesn't seem like any game controller I'm familliar with. Really, it seems like a glorified DVD remote!

But it is more than it seems.

Do you realize that this little wand contains some of the highest-end motion detection tech available commercially? This is not the controller we know of the past; a fickle, static thing, forcing you to press arbitrary buttons to get different reactions in the digital playground. No, this device is all at once an old-school controller, a sword, a gun, a fishing rod, an air hockey paddle, and more.

In a shooting game, moving the remote closer to the screen can cause it to enlarge the image, give you like a sniper effect. Revolutionary? Seems pretty much so to me!

Is this what I expect to play with when I load up a video game? No. Will it take me and many other long-time hardcore gamers a while to get used to? Yes. And will it bring people into gaming that never would have, with all the crazy 16-button controllers that define the medium? Oh yes, just like Shigeru intends.

Now it's likely we won't be seeing a lot of the games that Carl and I typically enjoy being played on this thing. It effectively has two buttons, vastly reducing the playability of many multi-function games we like. Street Fighter? Not any time soon, not in any way we're familiar with, anyway. A Halo-killer? Ehhh... kinda doubt it. The button layout just seems improbable to me, but I'm looking to see what they do with it.

But what is so cool about the Revolution is all the new types of games possible with this setup. Much like the DS with it's analogous dual screens, and stylus controller. I'm excited. That's what a revolution is supposed to be about, right? A breaking down of the old way, and a new and exciting way in its place. woot! I've seen a few trying to claim this is some kind of death knell for Nintendo. Pshaw, I say.

Final Score: 90
Pshaw!



been all around the world...
Current Mood: amused

13th September 2005

dragonguyver7:08pm: Gilliam nation
Guess who's back? Back again? Gilliam's back. Tell a friend. Guess who's back. Guess who's back. Guess who's back. Guess who's back. Guess who's back. Guess who's back....

The Brothers Grimm

The Brothers Grimm was damn good. All hail Gilliam.

Anyways, I was surprised when I heard about this one, because it was nigh imminent when I first caught word. I like to think of myself as being on the pulse a little better than that, but oh well.

So the story is about two brothers by the name of Grimm who go from town to town in like, the 1700s or something like that, and they con townspeople out of their money by defeating monsters or curses that didn't exist in the first place. Who can blame them? The townspeople sort of invited it all on themselves to begin with.

Matt Damon's character is perfectly happy to haul in the dough and get the women, but his bookish brother is a dreamer, whom he constantly remonstrates with the two words "magic beans!" To imply that it's all bullshit and don't forget it.

Through a surprising series of events, they are forced to a small town whose children are vanishing, and the citizens all have different and strange stories about how and why, but it all has to do with the strange and forbidding forest outside the town proper.

Anyway, we were all a little doubtful when we heard the premise. Was this supposed to have anything to do with the fables by the authors of the same name? How great will this movie be anyway? It doesn't sound like Brazil or 12 Monkeys or anything. Hmmm...

So Carl and Ryan and I saw it, and it was pretty cool. There are a few big surprising elements which I didn't see hinted at in the trailers and such. It didn't seem quite as Gilliam-esque as I was used to, though. But it was good. The forest was badass, and there is a tower which is cool. The characters are well-done and believable, and interact plausibly.

Terry really doesn't like the french at all. Especially Revolution-era French.

It was very enjoyable. Particularly because as I was watching, I didn't know what was going on. I mean, I didn't know what was causing the stuff that was happening. That part was cool. There were many strange twists that lured your interest further into the film, and they all pay off and are explained, too!

So! If you ever had a, you know, childhood, this movie should entertain and delight.

Final Score: 90.
The ending made me happy.

What next, bitches?
Current Mood: w00t gilliam

12th September 2005

dragonguyver5:05pm: trailery
Venom
so fucking stupid. I am sick of the shitty formulaic goddamn hollywood horror movies. And to think, for a moment, Carl and I entertained the hope that it was about Spider-Man's nemesis. Pft.
0/10.

A Scanner Darkly
Woot! Phil K Dick! Always good. This film looks like it's using the same animation technique as Waking Life. That's pretty cool. I don't believe I need to mention how cool it is that Keanu Reeves is starring. Anyway, I'm looking forward to it.
9/10

V for Vendetta
HOLY SHIT! Wachowski Brothers are behind it! And it's like some kind of 1984 sequel? Anyway. HOLY FUCK!
10/10

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
I was highly disappointed with the previous film, and unless this one is like five hours long, it can only do the book shame. I will definitely see it, to see how well they condense 750 pages into a feature film. I really can't wait for movie #5, though. LOL. That one's an even longer book.
7/10

The Skeleton Key
Hey, this actually seems scary. Some pretty creepy shit here. CARL! Come check this one out!
8.5/10

Serenity
Joss Whedon's non-Buffy brainchild comes to the big screen. I hear tell of many nerds who are very excited. It looks like it oughtta be good. Is it me, or does Joss Whedon have a thing for superhuman hot chicks who kick lots of guy ass? Closet masochist.
9/10

George A Romero's Land of the Dead
I still can't believe I missed this while it was in theaters. FUCK. Romero is god. Him and Kevin Smith and a couple other guys make, like, this really sweet movie pantheon. Rock.
9.5/10

King Kong
Despite the fact that this is another example of hollywood's becoming a big goddamn recycling factory, it looks like it may have some redeeming qualities. Like Adrian Brody, Jack Black and Peter Jackson. We'll see.
7/10

The Chronicles of Narnia
Will everyone please shut up about this fuckin movie? C.S. Lewis is a big steaming cock. It ain't goddamn LotR, and it ain't even near being Harry Potter. Just get over it. It's just a fucking fundie masking christian parables in fantasy adventure. I know all about C.S. Lewis, and he sucks. As far as thinkers of his time go, I'll take Freud, thank you and goodnight. Anyway, it's from Disney, so, yeah.
Bleh/Pfft
dragonguyver2:52pm: trailer time
Trailers!
Transporter 2
Well I figured this one was going to totally suck, because I liked the first one and all. Anyway, Jason Statham is reprising his role, thank god. Bacon rocks. And this one looks pretty good. I got a hint from the trailer that the plot isn't very straightforward. It does seem a bit over-the-top, even exploitative in its use of women (note the one nearly naked assassain chick, especially), and the music on the trailer was that pop metal crap I'm sick of. Anyway, what do you expect? We're lucky to get anything decent in a high budget hollywood action flick these days. They're taking it too far.
7/10

A Sound of Thunder
Now if I'm not mistaken, this movie has been coming for a long fucking time. I thought I saw a trailer for this over a year ago. Also, it seems to be loosely based on an old short scifi story by Ray Bradbury. Awesome. Anyway, it looks like it might be good, but somewhat typical hollywood scifi/action flick.
7/10

Four Brothers
ooo John Singleton. Granted, this is the guy who brought us 2 Fast 2 Furious. But he was also behind Higher Learning and Poetic Justice. Hmm! Anyway, this movie looks surprisingly good! I'm actually pretty excited to see it sometime.
8.5/10

Capote
Woot! That guy I like! Philip Seymour Hoffman! Anyway, this looks reallly quite good. Hoffman is great as usual, and seems to have been given a chance to step outside the usual persona we see him act. Sweet.
9/10

Zathura
Aww look, isn't this cute? It's the freekin sequel to Jumanji or something. Eh.
5/10

Corpse Bride
duh
9.5/10
Current Mood: complacent
dragonguyver2:16pm: popcorn and milk!
Well I was sitting here at the computer, eating a snack, wondering what I should write about. And then I realized, I had a review under my nose, the whole time!

Smartfood Popcorn, $.99 bag

Wow! This stuff is tasty. The white color is pleasing. It’s very white cheddar flavored AND colored! The bag has plenty of product in it so I don’t feel like I’m getting ripped off there. The price feels fair, also.

Unfortunately this bag is suffering from 21st Century advertising. There’s a bunch of obnoxious bullcrap on the back, which is trying to pretend to be informational, the way indie/local potato chips have, but this is just mind-control crap trying to TELL you what you think of the product. Obnoxious! The front of the bag is little better, too. It’s got that whole advertising style art that is trying to trick your mind into thinking the product is more exciting or better than it is.

How much less would this product cost without all the ad work? We can only imagine.

And dear god there’s a lot of saturated fat here! This bag says TWO servings, and that makes 30% the DRV in just the one bag! The sodium count is just as sickening, at 28%! Nothing positive to be found here, either. There is clearly no nutritional value here in this food. At least the ingredients list isn’t some huge long list of unknown chemicals. Everything on it is familiar.

Another major drawback would be the little kernel shells that get stuck in your teeth and gums. God I hate those things! One time I had one that was all the way inside my gums! Ack!

Technical details: net weight 2 3/8 oz. (67.3g). Sell by date: Nov 15.

Final Score: 60.
It’s tasty but has zero worth as an actual food. Best used in small servings as a side or as occasional snack. Now go eat some bananas! Potassium is good for you!




Here’s one of my favorite products which can be found here in Maine, particularly at the Portland Public Market!

Smiling Hill Farm Chocolate Milk

Wow. This is some of the best stuff ever. Their milk all around is damn good. It comes in many flavors. Whole Milk, Lowfat, Skim, Heavy Cream, Strawberry, Banana, Blueberry, Vanilla, Coffee… tons!

This is a pint sized bottle, literally! It’s just the right size for a nice dose of calcium.

Well, there are so many good things about Smiling Hill Farm, I hardly no where to start. For one thing, it’s local! I know where the farm is, right in Gorham. Buy local, kids! You know they treat their animals right, and it isn’t full of crazy fucking growth hormones and shit! No wonder ten year olds are becoming sexxified (never mind their corporate idols)!

Anyway, the milk just tastes damn good. Fucking damn good. The pint is perfect for a drink, but you can also buy quarts and gallons, too.

The bottle is made of a very heavy glass which is resistant to minor bumps and jangles. That’s a damn good thing…

Because you want to hold onto this bottle. You see, it takes a dollar deposit! SHF wants the bottle back, you see, and this presents us with a great opportunity!

The awesomest thing about SHF milk is that it makes you money. Take your food stamp card, and buy a bottle. Now drink it, rinse it out, and return it. You get the dollar deposit back in hard American currency! Woot!

And at a super reasonable price of only $1.35 for the milk and $1.50 for the flavored (plus deposits), this is a great product! And there are no retarded advertisements, and they don’t try to sell you the fucking thing except on its own merits. Go Smiling Hill Farm, go!

Final Score: 95!
I drink it like every day. How else can I get cigarettes without any income? Fuck spanging, hahahaha.
Current Mood: full

7th September 2005

dragonguyver5:21pm: more trailers.
Lord of War
oh yeah, Nick Cage. Sweet. Looks very funny, and with a slick supporting cast.
8/10

An Unfinished Life
J-Lo completely sucks, but this movie might be okay.
7/10

Thumbsucker
appears to be very good. Great cast, and a compelling trailer. We'll see.
8.5/10

Do I need to tell you that Disney has completely gone to hell? Everthing except Pixar works blow asschunks. I don't think I need to tell you that Chicken Little and Valiant are absolute trash, not even worth linking.

Ice Age 2
looks cute, and might be okay. The first one was alright, although a little too simillar to Monsters, Inc for my taste.
6/10

Cars
I'm also having serious doubts about this one. The animation is of course amazing, but that ain't everything. Pixar seems obsessed with anthropomophising any damn thing they can. Next it will be a movie about talking and walking computers or books or some goddamn thing.
6/10

Wallace and Grommit!
Woo hooo! I'm not sure, however, how well it will translate into a full-length feature. We'll see.
8/10

Cry_Wolf
Holy crap! Looks like it won't completely suck ass! Well, the use of AIM gives me a boner, anyway. Who wants to lay money that Jon Bon Jovi plays the killer? hahaha. Anyway, perhaps this will be good!
8/10
dragonguyver4:07pm: Trailers.
Aeon Flux
I can't fucking wait for this. I was a really big fan of both series, and this looks like it's done right.
9/10

Jarhead
This really looks quite good, too. Jake Gyllenhaal and stuff. Anyway, this one is about the first Gulf War, which you all know has nothing to do with the new one, except being in exactly the same place and involving exactly the same people. It looks stark and all those other good words for uncompromising war films.
8/10

The Fog
Now this is fucking sacrilige, and furthermore, UNNECCISSARY. Ugh. Christ. This is more of that fucking shit with how hollywood is remaking every goddamn idea they can find. Even furthermore, the cast makes me want to puke. Carpenter also is in no way involved with the movie, as you can see at IMDB, only crediting him for the original screenplay. Cocks.
0/10 points for you!

Asylum
looks boring and uninspired.
3/10

Doom
going to fucking RAWK. That is to say THE ROCK will rawk. yeah! lol. He's just about perfect for that role.
7.5/10

Everything is Illuminated
Looks unconventional and good. Elijah Wood has been a favored actor of mine for a very long time, since his performances in Huck Finn and Radio Flyer, when I was a leeetle boy. This looks like good stuff.
7/10

8th July 2004

dragonguyver6:57pm: new member.
Everyone welcome our new reviewer, vivian_shaw

Upon reading her really cool post about "Blood for Dracula", I realized she was prime Spadortch material, and immediately invited her to join.

This place has been dead, you see, for Carl has lost his internet access. Yeah, sucks. So, when I saw this post at Vivian's journal, I realized I had an opportunity to bring some new blood here.

Carl and I created this place for us, because we have this dynamic and we're both big on talking about, you know, anything. But we always considered it a possibility in the future to bring in people who we thought were intelligent, opinionated, and could bring something new to the table. So... hooray for Vivian! Three cheers and shit.

Now let's see if she accepts the invite, hahaha.

31st October 2003

dragonguyver1:28am: movies and games
Couple things I want to give the rundown on.

The NegotiatorCollapse )


They LiveCollapse )


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for X-BoxCollapse )


Castlevania: Lament of InnocenceCollapse )
Current Mood: tired

28th October 2003

dragonguyver4:28pm: oooo, scary. ... but not.
We all love the parody flicks. Some of the funniest shit in the world comes out of parody. Look at Weird Al. funny. But most parodies ultimately fall flat. And in that grand tradition here we have...

Scary Movie 3

Don't misunderstand any of this. There are some damn funny parts in Scary Movie 3. Damn. so funny.

But the problem with Scary Movie 3, as with all its predecessors, is that it just doesn't hold together. The film feels like a couple of people watched a bunch of horror flicks, came up with a bunch of hilarious rips for each of them, but then tried to string the jokes for these disparate films together and failed.

Scary Movie 3 just doesn't feel like it has any cohesion. The plot drags and seems to take forever to get anywhere because the movie isn't about plot or characters, it's about throwing some hilarious jokes at you and praying vainly that this will be enough to convince you that it's a movie. It mostly focuses on parodying three films which all had great plots and pacing, and hopes to fool you here too by trying to trick you into feeling the cohesion of those films, and it might be possible to succeed at such a tact, except they strung the movies together poorly.

It mostly rips on Signs, The Ring, and, of all things, 8 Mile. Can anyone explain to me how 8 Mile got in there? That wasn't in any way related to horror films. Maybe they just hated it so much they wanted to make fun of it. Well, they failed at making fun of any of the movies, if that was the attempt. They do succeed at using the general premises of the films as a jump-off point from which they twist and warp the originals into hilarity.

Also, I loved all three of those movies, so I don't really have any patience for making fun of them.

Like I said, it's funny as hell. But the terrible construction of the film gets in the way of enjoying that.

Final Score- 45
It's funny. But that's about all it is. Ebert might say that it succeeds at what it tries to do, but that's no excuse to me for what is basically a funny but poor film. Just because it tries to be shit doesn't get it a thumbs-up from me.
Current Mood: annoyed

24th October 2003

dragonguyver10:09pm: Underworld? wtf.
Carl, Underworld fuckin blew... "Vampires...Werewolves...lots of guns...women it tight leather...and lots of action" don't support a movie, they're the trimmings. You can't make a movie that has no actual substance and just pile on tons of stuff that looks nice and call it good!
dragonguyver10:03pm: Meat on a stick. Also, a movie.
Meat on a stick is good. Definitely. The Chinese were onto something with that, methinks. Therefore, teriyaki. I mean, come on, you've got a stick with meat on it! So you can hold it with one hand as you bite into the meat. Leaving the other hand free for numerous things: driving, holding a cigarette, masturbation, killing someone with an uzi... all sorts of fantastic unidextrous things.

And it's so great, once you're finished with the meat, you have before you a tasty all-purpose stick, with which you can do many things: clean your teeth of that teriyaki, push tiny buttons, light on fire, or shove into the eyeball of an attacking ninja. See, now that's like the only thing Kill Bill was missing.

Which brings us to Kill Bill.

KILL BILL

Kill Bill is awesome. Under the definition of awesome it would say "see: Kill Bill." Which is what you should do right now, see Kill Bill. Oh, you have already? That doesn't make you exempt! IN NO WAY does this make you exempt! fucker!

do you like blood? oh yes, blood is our friendly friend, I like to call him Moe. Moe is featured quite prominently in several scenes of Kill Bill. In very cool ways. Quentin is good with Moe. I understand they go way back.

cool animation is good too, and has a great little sequence within this film. happy cool.

some cool Japanese things in the movie too. One scene in particular illustrates Japanese quirkiness. ha. no DDR scene, though, like in WASABI.

As always, Tarantino is overflowing with style. it's in the clothing, the tools, and in the shots. oh, and in the killing. killing is always stylish with Tarantino. Some very unique music is used to great effect, hearkening to cheesy 70s action flicks in that good way that makes you smile because you know someone's about to die.

And there's funny stuff, too.

lots of swearing.

good acting.

To sum it up... remember House of the Dead? How terrible that was? House of the Dead is the movie you see when you no longer find joy in film. It's so bad you can recognize good movies again. Kill Bill is somehow on the other end of this eldritch non-Euclidean spectrum in this odd way where it isn't the movie that is so good you hate everything else, it's like the smell of nicely baked cookies that's so refreshing after a long day of working in the sewer... for 12 years.

final score.. um... good? Arbitrary number?... 97.
Kill Bill is good, it's meat-on-a-stick good. We look forward to the next movie.
Current Mood: content

18th October 2003

dragonguyver1:10am: movies movies movies
So, Carl and I have seen a lot of movies lately. And a lot of them really fucking sucked. I mean really. Basically I knew they were going to, but we like to see obviously shit movies so that we can ridicule them later.

Firstly, I'll go over some movies I saw a few months ago. Just to go over real quick.

Johnny English
I guess that was in August? That wasn't quite as bad as some of this other stuff. But the way Johnny kept bungling absolutely EVERYTHING and literally fell into succeeding against the enemy (a very silly John Malkovich), was pretty annoying. Eh. Really it was a very moderate film.
6/10


Terminator 3
Eh, this fell kind of flat for me. Kill off Sarah Connor? By cancer? pfft. A few fan servicings, the reappearance of the good doctor from the previous films, for one thing, make you feel good. A few scenes like at the bar with the ladies night and Ahnold saying "talk to the hand" were just too silly for me. The female terminator talking to a computer modem over a phone was very cool, though. And the story came together pretty well. Although they sort of undid the "No Fate" theory of the first two films, which really annoyed me....
6.5/10


28 Days Later
Awesome awesomeness. What a great fucking movie. Awesome visuals. Fantastic concept and execution. Lost me a little in the last quarter of the film but great payoff. Damn. So good.
9.5/10


American Wedding
I enjoyed this, some of it was pretty funny, and some of it just made me real uncomfortable. Stiffler in the gay club. so weird. lol. It's a perverted heartwarmer. yep.
7.5/10


Freddy vs Jason
ugh. Dumb. The ending was such a fucking cop-out. Jason should've killed Freddy, just for the fact that Freddy started the whole thing. And, where the hell did they get this water and fire thing from? what a bunch of crap.
3/10


Grind
I actually kinda liked this one. It was a perfectly designed buddy road trip movie. The big finale showoff half-pipe battle could have been more impressive, though, but damn that last move was amazing.
7.5/10


Pirates of the Caribbean
Also a good one. Johnny Depp is cool. Him and Orlando Bloom dueling was cool. Keira Knightly was fucking hot. Anyway, the premise was solid pirate story and the execution wasn't bad either. I definitely liked Johnny Depp's character.
8/10


And now, what we've been seeing lately!


Jeepers Creepers 2
Wow. How shitty do you get. Way to drag out what should be a 20 minute sequence into almost a whole damn movie. A couple cool scenes, like the kid having the wing suddenly close shut around him and then being headless were good. But, toward the end, when the monster loses it's leg or whatever, and is flinging itself toward the black kid, oh my god, Carl and I laughed so fucking hard. Good to see some people in Hollywood still have no shame.
2/10


Cabin Fever
This was really good. Gory as hell and with really unique and funny characters. HA! That old hick guy at the store who keeps the shotgun "for niggers". Sooo funny. Plus, it had the kid from Boy Meets World, and also the cool guy from Grind.
9/10


Underworld
blah. Stupid "cool" movie. The general premise was okay, and the set and costumes were good (hot fucking chicks at the mansion, god damn!), but it wasn't really about anything I guess and it bored me. There's one huge stretch in the movie with no good action and just a bunch of plot developments, but since the plot didn't engage me I got bored. For an action movie, you must never do that. Like Fast and the Furious for christ's sake.
5/10


Once Upon a Time in Mexico
Hey, Johnny Depp again! Another cool character! Holy shit, it's the sequel to Desperado! Awesomeness! Not as good as it's predecessor, but with a pretty involved plot and lots of characters with lots of different goals and allegiences. However, I feel Rodriguez's time with Spy Kids has done his directing for the worse. The balance between ludicrous and violence in Desperado and Dusk til Dawn was perfect, and here he loses it, definitely, and it's too silly sometimes. When the drunkard mariachi jumps around the corner with his fingers drawn in a heated gun battle, no, no good.
9/10


House of the Dead
UGH. CRAPIEST CRAP KNOWN TO CRAPLAND. We knew this was going to suck. We knew it from the moment we saw the early trailer on the House of the Dead 3 X-Box disc. Damn. What trash. There were THREE good points to this movie. 1: Good reason for them to get guns. 2: Some nice set design, somewhat. 3: ... I can't remember what now, I'm so overwhelmed by what crap this movie was.

How can I explain? He cuts scenes with momentary clips from the video game for no reason whatsoever. The characters are terrible, one dimensional, morons. There's a battle when the heroes try to get from the woods to inside the building that takes for fucking ever. You wonder, how far was it from one side to the other, anyway? Characters die over the dumbest shit for crappy reasons. There are these annoying circular slow-down pans of the characters as they shoot, just to try to be like The Matrix, I guess. The entire premise of the film is shit, and has nothing to do with the game at all.

I have to wonder what this duchebag Uwe Boll has even got for experience! Oh, like, three movies including this one, the other two I've never even heard of.

Fuck you, Uwe Boll. You are trash. Carl and I could shit a better horror film. And film it better too.
0/10


Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Ugh. Dumb. The whole southern inbred hick psycho thing does nothing for me. The thing is, the original film is crap too. But it's a classic and was made on a tiny budget and has hilarious camerawork, so we respect it and it's good. But this movie has none of that and is just crap. Every scene with the sherrif annoyed me, except when he got run over. Oh, and starting the movie with a girl committing suicide was pretty cool and well done, and the way they referenced back to that later on towards the end of the movie was cool.
5.5/10


And on the horizon...

Scary Movie 3
This one looks like it could be the best of the whole bunch. I found the first one pretty dumb but funny, and the second one mostly bored me, but this one could be a lot better. I like the movies they seem to be spoofing here.
7/10


Brother Bear
Don't get me started. So much about the ad campaign for this has annoyed the fuck out of me. Fuck you, Disney.
1/10


Alien: The Director's Cut
FUCK YES! *does a dance* I'm gonna see Alien in the theater! woooo hooooo.
10/10


The Matrix: Revolutions
um. yeah. Gonna be so awesome, your head will explode.
10/10


Looney Tunes: Back in Action
hmmm. I go, hmmmmmmm....
5/10


Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
fuck you, Russell Crowe. You're a dumb shit.
3/10


Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
should be awesome just like the other two, yep.
9.5/10


Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat
Now this looks good but then you think about how awesome The Grinch was and then you think it's just not going to stand up to that. Damn.
8/10


The Haunted Mansion
Fuck you, Disney. And you too, Eddie Murphy. You haven't done anything good since Beverly Hills Cop 3.
3/10


Peter Pan
I'm looking forward to this one! I thought the trailer showed some really good stuff, and it seems a bit darker than all our previous film versions. sweet.
8/10


Resident Evil: Apocalypse
dude. Define awesome.
9/10


Gothika
Halle Berry sucks but this movie looks pretty sweet. I love the shot of the girl walking across the hallway, awesome effect.
8/10


Land of the Dead
just saw this trailer today. Carl and I are excited. ROMANO 4EVAR.
8/10



okay Carl, now SPEEEAK.
Current Mood: accomplished

15th February 2003

dragonguyver9:27am: Turtle Power
As a lifelong Turtles fan, the revivial of my childhood heroes is a source of excitement. Last year, Peter Laird began the new comic book, taking off where series 2 ended, and announced that there would be a new cartoon! And now, it's here. It's on FoxBox, saturdays at 10:30!

The review is: the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon, episode 101: "Things Change".

I caught it by accident. I knew that episode 102 was going to be on at 10:30, but I turned the TV on at 8:30 to FoxBox, just catching the very beginning.

My first reaction was, "hey, this is straight from the original comic book, even some of the dialogue," because the opening is exactly like the beginning of the first comic. The four Turtles facing off against some street thugs calling themselves the Purple Dragon gang.

It then cuts to the opening credits, whose theme song wasn't that great. A little bit too much in the vein of the old stuff. Or maybe the theme to Batman Beyond has spoiled me.

It cuts away to the Turtles gettin trained by Splinter in the sewer den. Out of nowhere, the classic Mousers chew through the floor and ruin the old home, also seperating the Turtles from Splinter. They communicate through a communicator very similar to what they had in the original cartoon. They decide to meet at some kind of sewer junction.

The Turtles get sidetracked when another passage is collapsed, and are forced to travel topside. This is when you first really start to notice how anime-style-ninja these Turtles are. Raph bounds all over the place and it's very impressive. These aren't the bulky Turtles from the old cartoon. They're fast and sneaky.

This is where the Purple Dragon gang bit starts, as they make some kind of heist, Raph tries to move their van because it's parked right on another manhole they want to use. He ends up diving into the van to avoid being seen, and they drive off with him, so the other three follow.

They get into a fight where the gang stops, and soundly hurt them. The gang runs away, but then a bunch of unidentified ninjas (gee, I wonder who THEY are!) show up and give the Turtles a real fight.

Splinter had meanwhile made it to the meetup point, gets attacked by more mousers, and ends up fallings when the floor collapses beneath him.

Outnumbered, the Turtles hotwire the van and take off with it, and throw the money in the bags at some parked cops. They then meet up with Splinter at the sewer junction, and he shows them the new home he discovered.

It cuts to a shadowy room where a japanese man (and I wonder who THAT is!) is making tea for himself, and the Purple Dragon gang leader is pleading with him, but this man shows no mercy and as the camera cuts to an outside shot of his tower, it's obvious what happens to the loser.

Okay, so here's what I'm thinking about it.

Firstly, the voices aren't that great. Mike got stuck with the surfer bit AGAIN, which is very annoying. But, it's a cartoon, and good VAs are illegal in an american cartoon. They have to be charicatures and shit. Oh well.

The weapons are all intact, and the Turtles use them often. This isn't the second movie, where Leo's katana never left their scabbards on his back. Mike has his nunchaku, which had been replaced in later episodes of the original cartoon. So this all pleases me.

Overall, the cartoon seems to take its cues mostly from the movies. Especially in the dialogue. When they hang up with Splinter from the communicators, Mike is like "oo! did he mention me?" and Raph punches him. Just the general style of humor and how the characters relate to each other.

At least Raph is more of a pissed-off movie version instead of sarcastic original cartoon version. That's a plus.

The Mousers and Foot all have an updated look. The inside of the Mousers' mouths are lined in spikes, and they are quite creepy. The Foot are, holy cow, NOT robots! What an idea. They're also wicked sleek, very dark, and asskickers, all of them.

The plot also seems at least somewhat developed. Here we see the unexplained entrance of both the Mousers and the Foot ninja. Very cool, IMO. This series promises to be serial, unlike the episodic original cartoon.

The action is pretty damn good. I mean that seriously. When the Turtles fight the Foot, it's very hardcore. Rock on. Now I dare them to actually let Leo cut someone with a katana. lol.

Final Score: 87.
It's on saturday mornings, for that you have to give it some allowances. For the most part, this is good Turtles action, let's hope it's the second step on the way to a second age of the Turtle!


Die, Power Rangers!!!
Current Mood: bouncy

15th January 2003

dragonguyver12:35am: I have found Shangri-La, and I think it sucks.
Aha, I am finally whittling away at the stack of books beside my bed, so now...

My opinion about: "Lost Horizon" by James Hilton.

"Lost Horizon" is a novel by James Hilton, published in 1933, about four people who are hijacked as they escape from some catastrophe at some place called Baskul. They end up making a bumpy landing in some very high mountains, and are met by a group from a nearby lamasery, a secret supposed-utopia called Shangri-La.

Yes, this book is where the reference comes from.

The main character is Conway, a man with few connections in his life. No family, no work to do, no close friends. It's like he's dead already. He had been in the war, and it had changed him. He finds this place of secret beauty very bewitching. The only maxim that the peoples of it have is "moderation in all things", and they take this to the fullest extent. They are only moderately virtuous, only moderately chaste, moderately hard-working, and so on and so on.

It's a classic of literature, notice the proliferation of the Shangri-La reference. Its major point is that our civilization is bringing about its own end very quickly. Only Shangri-La with its moderation, wisdom, and dissolution of passions will survive to keep our culture and achievements safe to be discovered after the ashes settle.

On the one hand, yeah, I agree, we are fucking up, hardcore. I find it awesome that this was written in 1933 and Hilton seemed to know that we would create a weapon like the atomic bomb. However, I think that abandoning our world to this and hiding in some pretty little hole is bogus. I also feel that the philosophy of moderation and the fading of passions is basically wrong. I think our passions are what make us human, what makes us alive. While I think a Plato-esuqe Philosopher King who would be like the high lama of Shangri-La would make a good leader, I just don't see a society of moderately this and that people being anything I would want. It strikes me as being bad somehow for some reason, and I haven't pinned it down. It's almost like a fire dying out.

The other cast of characters round it out nicely. The kindly secretive Chang. The unpleased Mallinson. The devout what's-her-name nun-face. And the happily-escaped-from-police Bernard. There's some good dilalogue in the book. Not a lot happens in it, since it's only 230 pages long. It's basically just our four characters get kidnapped, our four characters get to Shangri-La, ooo big secret, Conway is told, and such and so on. Not a whole lot.

But, well, it's a classic and stuff, and it's interesting, I won't give away the big secret of Shangri-La, because it's the big secret. And it goes into the whole thing.

Final Score: 90.
I think this book is pretty great, it's written well enough, though I don't understand some outdated references that go unexplained. However, I think Shangri-La sucks. The whole place stinks of sedation. Read it, it's a classic.
Current Mood: annoyed

4th January 2003

dragonguyver5:16pm: Grant Gee blows.
Well, once again we have a shortage on posts. *Glares at Carl*

So, I just finished watching that Radiohead DVD, so, guess what?

Josh's ranty: the "Meeting People is Easy" DVD.

Meeting People is Easy is a Grant Gee film about Radiohead. One can learn this by looking at the front cover that also warns that YOU ARE A TARGET MARKET. Thanks Stanley Donwood! ;)

Warning- Inside jokes for Radiohead fans are abound in this review, oh yes!

I was very optimistic about this film, I was ready to see the best thing since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I mean, I was looking at 95 minutes of concert footage, interviews, and behind-the-scenes shenanigans. What I got was a let down.

What I got was Grant Gee's artsy frikken video-degraded low-fi sound IFC-style film which seemed to be more often about random buildings, busses, and cars than it was about five little Oxford lads I like to call THE BAND THE FRIKKEN DVD IS ABOUT.

Seriously, the guy puts more filler crap in here than actual material. And when there is actual content, the sound and camera work is horrible. It seems like a documentary made for, like, 50 bucks.

Most of the shots of the concerts are just still camera frames centered on Thom's face. No dynamics, hardly any views of the four other guys that make up the band. I mean, it's like the guy fixed the camera to a stand and went to get a beer!

I can't stress how cool this dvd could have been. There's footage of the band on Letterman and all sorts of interviews and concert shots and just some parts of Thom ranting about the radio industry and materialism. This could have been a huge deal for the fans.

But Grant Gee fucked it all up. He fucked it up the ass with the sad minotaur's pitchfork. I mean, REALLY. THAT IS WHY THE MINOTAUR IS CRYING. GRANT GEE FUCKED IT UP THE ASS WITH THE PITCHFORK. Radiohead even tells us this. Go to the website (www.radiohead.com). And one of the buttons will lead to a little shockwave flashy thing with the sad minotaur and your pointer becomes the pitchfork, and when you put the pitchfork over the minotaur, he cries and moans in pain and when you press the button he howls in terror and agony. HIS MEMORIES OF GRANT GEE PERSIST TO THIS DAY.

My other bitch is that most of the music was from OK Computer, and had Creep twice, and maybe one or two songs from The Bends. Once again, this is ALL GRANT GEE'S FAULT. Although there were parts where they played a couple songs that weren't to be released for years - like How to Disappear Completely - and there were even a few songs that aren't on any major release - like Follow Me Around, and some other tune that Radiohead was working on in the studio that I don't even recognize. These parts were cool.

It's things like that what make the fan perk up and go "yay." Damn you, Grant Gee, because these tiny morsels are just there to remind us of what a huge pile of arty crap this is.

Maybe Stanley Donwood should've made it. That would've been cool. Or interesting at least.

Anyway. Like, if you're a Radiohead fan and you want to be frustrated out of your mind by the mostly-unfulfilled promise of rarity goodness, go to town. But this DVD is really just an exercise in sheer annoyance.

Or maybe I just don't get it. Whatever.

Final Score: 65.
Radiohead is awesome, but.... Yeah, uh, Grant? YOU FAIL. I hope you get the bends, you fucker.


the karma police have arrested Grant Gee for crimes against Radiohead fans. He's been sentenced to watching reruns of Driven- Christina Aguilera.
Current Mood: angry

28th December 2002

dragonguyver4:35am: Hayama wa AKUMA!
Nothing posted lately.... Okay, I guess I should put something in!

I grabbed a copy of the Kodocha manga volume one with some christmas money, because I'm a big fan of the anime.


What I'm-a talkin about: "Kodocha" manga volume one!

Released by tokyopop, this manga by Miho Obana was first done in 1994 and has been released in America just this June. It was the basis for an anime series that ran quite long and was very popular in Japan and is very popular with American shojo otaku. The manga is actually only ten volumes, but that's because it's a bit faster paced.

It's the story of Kurata Sana (family name first, given name second), an 11 year-old child actress who stars in the weekly schoolroom comedy show called Kodomo no Omocha, also the name of the actual story. It means "Child's Toy." Sana is a very excitable young girl, often running around and being hyperactive, bursting into cutesy and energetic song.

But Sana has a huge problem, and that's Hayama Akito! He's in her grade 6 class, and he's the boss monkey of all the boys who do nothing but turn the class into a mess and terrorize the teacher. What does Hayama have on the teacher that lets him get away with this?

That's only how the story starts out, if it had stayed on that tact for long it would've gotten annoying, but things move FAST in this book. Sana figures out how to fix Hayama and in the process discovers that he's a very emotionally troubled young boy, with a horrible family life.

That's what Kodocha is about, all these kids have issues, and it really pulls at the heartstrings. Sana tells Akito that she wants to help him and he asks for her to kill him. !!!

There are lots of characters in the series, and most of them are pretty deep or at least portrayed well. You'll like most everybody!

The art is really superb IMO, Obana has a great shojo style and a real sense for fashion (which is very important in shojo manga). Sana's clothes tend to change every few pages, and she has some real cute outfits. ^_^

The differences between the manga and the anime: no Babbit, and I miss him. Also, Zenjirou is not the teacher of Sana's show. As a matter of fact, Sana's show is not as important as it is in the anime, where it seems like she does it every day after school. In the manga it's only on sundays.

There are also some specific ways that some characters phrase things that change. sometimes I like it more or less. Akito comes right out and tells Tsuyoshi that he feels he doesn't deserve Sana's attention. That really hit me.

The first volume of the manga is comparable to the first six episodes of the anime, I think. So that will give you some sense of what's in it if you have seen the show.

A great feature of the manga is that Obana has little columns every few pages where she just talks to you about things. Either stuff that happened in her life that influenced the book or something about a character. It's like director's commentary and it's really great. Obana-san seems like a really nice lady. ^_^

Also, the english adapter, Sarah Dyer, added some nice cultural reference explanations in the book, too, which help sometimes.

Final Score: 92.
I love shojo manga, because I best like things that I connect with emotionally first and foremost. The characters are all endearing and the story is really engaging. If you like shojo, you should definitely read it!


Now I'm gonna go work on reading The Matrix and Philosophy, which is really coming together great. I hope to finish it before too long, though my job search might hinder that. I may end up doing the review of Meeting People is Easy first.
Current Mood: hopeful

27th December 2002

dragonguyver4:10am: upcoming inanities.
just a head's-up. I got the Radiohead DVD "Meeting People is Easy", and also the book "The Matrix and Philosophy", and I intend on reviewing these once I feel ready with the material.

Sorry for the cut-off on posting, I moved on christmas eve, so....

Carl, post some shit, damn you. We have an audience!!!!
Current Mood: discontent

24th December 2002

dragonguyver11:02am: I have so much enthusiasm and so little else!
On my latest renting excursion, I picked up An Evening with Kevin Smith, as you all may already know. In my review, I did forget to mention something I wanted to, which was the camera work. Fans of Kevin Smith may laugh if they notice it, because, although Kevin had nothing to do with the behind-the-camera work - as far as I know - it is so completely in his style. Dead on face shots with no camera pans, straight cuts back and forth to other characters, and the occasional grand overhead pan shot, ala' Mallrats (because Kevin wanted to say: "See! I can do it!"). I feel this was worth mentioning, because I noticed it and stuff!

However, I also picked up the first volume of the anime series Quack Experimental Anime: Excel Saga. Which is probably just called Excel Saga, but I like the pre-title which is on the opening credits, because that is exactly what Excel Saga is.


The thing in the place at the time: "Excel Saga" volume one DVD

Technical shizzle: The disc includes the first five episodes, has english and japanese audio, and includes a few sets of english subtitles, one with just song lyric translations and translations for words that appear on-screen, and another that also includes the japanese dialogue. It also has a great feature in the extras that adds pop-up video style explanations for japanese cultural references, as well as funny odds and ends - occasionally even just a comment or two like "what an odd place for a PC, eh?"

The real substance: The first thing you will probably notice about Excel Saga is the gorgeous art. Made in 1999 and just recently released stateside, this show exemplifies the current trend in japanese animation. By which I mean, fantastic art and animation. The colors are rich and the fps is great. The artstyle is expressive, funny and also dramatic.

The second thing you'll notice about Excel Saga is that it is massively fucked up. The second main character in the opening sequence (appearing in epsiode 2, she is Hyatt) seems to cough up blood and pass out every five seconds, this may be the first thing that makes you go "whaa?? funny!" The story begins with our heroine, Excel, getting killed accidently in her jubilation at becoming a member of ACROSS, which you learn is a secret organization bent on taking over the city (because taking over the world is just silly, you know). At her death, we find her floating in space where she meets Will, a fourth-wall destroying character who has ultimate power over the world of Excel Saga, and she scolds Excel, telling her she must not die and has to consider the storyline. She then brings back our heroine to life.

We then find her in the secret headquarters of ACROSS, where she annoys the leader, Illpazzo, to the point of murdering her. Will brings her back. Illpazzo kills her again. Will brings her back. It's very funny, I promise.

Excel is an amazingly over-excited young girl who doesn't have a clue about much. She really says it best in episode 5 when she's trying to uncover a government plot but realizes she knows nothing about how to. "I have so much enthusiasm and nothing else!"

We also meet a preciously cute little animal that looks like a cat to me, but everyone refers to as a dog. Excel goes without eating for days on end for the cause of ACROSS, and when she meets this furry little creature, she makes the dubious equation DOG -> CREATURE -> FOOD, which is explained in japanese kana, and I think has something to do with pronounciation, becuase I could see a simmilar character in the japanese for creature and food, but didn't see the transition of dog to creature. Oh well.

She then grabs the poor animal and decides it is her last resort meal, which begins a running gag for the series, and sets up the closing credits animation, which has the animal singing about how Excel wants to eat her.

I could tell you about all sorts of characters like Pedro or the three "ronin" who live next door to Excel or about the mysterious man with a fake moustache in episode 5, or I could even try to tell you about the story plots, but the point I'm making is that this is ridiculous japanese humor at it's finest. Not so much of the ecchi, but some. As far as plots go, there isn't much. Every episode tries to lampoon some cliche in japanese animation genres, and the stories don't seem to have much in running plot, although it happens. Episode 2 directly leads to episode 3, when Excel is captured by some nameless military group and then gets rescued. Episode 5 obviously sets up a major adversary with the mysterous man with the fake moustache.

The one down point to me for this show is that I think it is sometimes too ridiculous too much for too long. It gets a little tiring because it keeps it on and on. Thankfully there is respite with a few of the characters and their interractions.

If you like your anime beautiful and over-the-top with the humor, blasting away all the walls between the fantasy and the truth that it is fiction (the first episode's mission has Excel trying to kill the creator of her own manga, and has her SEE her own manga in the show), then you really need to check it out. If your cup of tea is more like Lain or Vampire Hunter D, you might stay away. Unless you're like me, the panoramic anime fan.

Final Score: 87.
It's great for what it is, but doesn't really satisfy anything but my funny bone. It'll be great for those anime club sessions and cons though.


Man, I need to get me some more Kodomo no Omocha fansubs.
Current Mood: dorky

23rd December 2002

dragonguyver7:06pm: let's go, tons o fun!
I will never be as funny as Kevin Smith. Never ever. Not in a billion fucking years. Because if you put him in front of a few thousand college students you will get three solid hours of gut-busting cocksmoker jokes. And, I mean, who would I be kidding?

And I mean this seriously.


The review at hand: the "An Evening with Kevin Smith" DVD.

This man is so goddamned funny that he makes the menu screen hilarious. Seriously, go rent this DVD - or, shit, buy it - and just watch the damn menu screen for a few minutes. God damn.

What this DVD is: yeah, Kevin Smith did some Q&A's at five colleges and recorded it. The tapes were edited. Result: three + hours of FUNNY that goes on and on and on. I mean, seriously, I had to pause the damn thing a few times because he just kept making something worse and worse. Damn.

Recorded at Cornell, Indiana, Kent State, Wyoming, and Clark, it starts with Kevin Smith walking on stage at Cornell where something like a few thousand college coeds cheer and jubilate and howl for him. And then they won't hardly stop. Here, Smith is a god, and these are his adoring masses. Hell yes. And not a jackhole god either. He's like, oh stop. I made Mallrats, come on. Of course, referencing Mallrats to this bunch only generates more adulation.

Basically the college students ask Kevin questions, and he answers them. Ranging from "can I suck your cock for five bucks?" to "dance, fat man!" we get the goods! But, seriously, we get to hear Kevin talk about how he met Jason, and the evolution of neh to snoogins, how he met Mosier and how producing Chasing Amy for 250 grand almost made the man kill himself. We find out that Kevin first made love to his future wife while sporting a horrible open cock wound caused by her dry humping him against his zipper. Funny stuff, people!

Something to note, this thing is two discs long. And all it has besides the core material is one audio track, three subtitle options, and a very basic menu. Oh, and on disc two there are trailors for Dogma, Mr. Deeds, Spider-Man, and Stan Lee's Mutants Monsters and Marvels. Yeah, the feature is over three hours long.

Some of my favorite parts were how Kevin decries Dogma of any possible dangerousness by the simple fact that it has a goddamn rubber poop monster. He also is asked to justify the "message" in Chasing Amy by a lesbian, which comes out a little bit strained, as if he were trying to censor himself a little to not start anything. I never hear him say what I always thought Chasing Amy's message was. Love is non-gender, deal with it. And, aside from that, there's something about the male-female dynamic. It's really two different worlds, and I think that there's something to that.

But that doesn't mean that it's the law of god or nature to be heterosexual, or that it's genetically hardwired and gays are freaks. That's crap. Who cares. Just choose and be. Whatever.

*finds himself on the soapbox* fuckin thing. *steps off, gets back at his review-writing keyboard.*

Kevin's tales about the producer for the defunct Superman Reborn movie and the Prince documentary he shot that shall never be seen are hilarious. He paints pictures of these ridiculous people who just don't seem to live on earth. And, yes, you will find out what that fuckin giant spider robot in Wild Wild West was about.

Anyway, low points for me in this were times like when five students were locked outside and the film goes through something like a fifteen minute "what? who are you? who's Tim? oh can they come in? does anyone have tickets? Okay , come in. Come on stage. Ha ha, now dance for us, monkeys!" and it gets boring.

A few of his stories seem to run long, and it takes him a while to get to the funny; but, if you're a Kevin Smith fan, you won't mind, because you're hearing all sorts of good stuff, the details you never had a clue on. If you aren't, why are you watching this, anyway?

More things to look forward to: the story behind the pot he was holding on the front cover of High Times. The genious of Jason Mewes. Why Kevin's cinematic style is no style. And much more! I mean, fuck, it's over three hours long!

Special guest appearance by Jason Mewes and phone calls to Scott Mosier and some unfortunates including one student's dad and another student's boss change things up a bit.

So if you like Kevin Smith, and not just casually, you really gotta see this. If you're like me and some of my friends who make obscure references to jokes that aren't in the movies but are in the movies's commentaries, then I have to ask why you haven't seen it already.

stats:
running time is 194 minutes.
released on december 17th, 2002.
MPAA: NR unrated.

Final Score: 95.
Yeah. It's that good.
Current Mood: chipper
dragonguyver5:28am: what's your label?
Current topic of review: another damn test.

I love tests. Great ways to kill time, man. When you're up at 5:18 in the morning after another long night of masturbating- er.. reading and.. being intellectual.. yeah. Um... they're a great way to kill time when you're bored.

This test was "What's your label?" and is located here ---> http://www.nekorevolution.net/test/t_label.html.

I found it lacking. Few things seemed to fit me too well. Favorite colors to wear did not include blue. damnit. And I don't wear t-shirts that say things, I don't even like anime t-shirts anymore because I think I look real dumb in them. It had no "accessory" listing that suited me. And then too many of the ideologies seemed to be things I liked.

However, this test did have an acceptable disclaimer, confessing that it is NOT SERIOUS and stuff. plz don't send hate mail! ^_^

lol.

Anyway, that seemed like a shoddy excuse to make another dumb goddamn test, and nothing more than a deflector for flack that it really deserves. Cuz, damn, how inaccurate.

Points for cute dolly gifs. YAY!

Final score: who cares, it's a dumb test!
I mean, if you wanna kill your time, go ahead. It's no big deal. But let's just be honest. It is a stupid quiz.


for those curious, I was labeled as thusly!



Who are you?

Emo. God. That's dumb. Now I will go listen to The Get-Up Kids and shit. Not.


please could you stop the noise im tryin a get some REST?
Current Mood: cynical
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