Joshua (dragonguyver) wrote in spadortch,
Joshua
dragonguyver
spadortch

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movies movies movies

So, Carl and I have seen a lot of movies lately. And a lot of them really fucking sucked. I mean really. Basically I knew they were going to, but we like to see obviously shit movies so that we can ridicule them later.

Firstly, I'll go over some movies I saw a few months ago. Just to go over real quick.

Johnny English
I guess that was in August? That wasn't quite as bad as some of this other stuff. But the way Johnny kept bungling absolutely EVERYTHING and literally fell into succeeding against the enemy (a very silly John Malkovich), was pretty annoying. Eh. Really it was a very moderate film.
6/10


Terminator 3
Eh, this fell kind of flat for me. Kill off Sarah Connor? By cancer? pfft. A few fan servicings, the reappearance of the good doctor from the previous films, for one thing, make you feel good. A few scenes like at the bar with the ladies night and Ahnold saying "talk to the hand" were just too silly for me. The female terminator talking to a computer modem over a phone was very cool, though. And the story came together pretty well. Although they sort of undid the "No Fate" theory of the first two films, which really annoyed me....
6.5/10


28 Days Later
Awesome awesomeness. What a great fucking movie. Awesome visuals. Fantastic concept and execution. Lost me a little in the last quarter of the film but great payoff. Damn. So good.
9.5/10


American Wedding
I enjoyed this, some of it was pretty funny, and some of it just made me real uncomfortable. Stiffler in the gay club. so weird. lol. It's a perverted heartwarmer. yep.
7.5/10


Freddy vs Jason
ugh. Dumb. The ending was such a fucking cop-out. Jason should've killed Freddy, just for the fact that Freddy started the whole thing. And, where the hell did they get this water and fire thing from? what a bunch of crap.
3/10


Grind
I actually kinda liked this one. It was a perfectly designed buddy road trip movie. The big finale showoff half-pipe battle could have been more impressive, though, but damn that last move was amazing.
7.5/10


Pirates of the Caribbean
Also a good one. Johnny Depp is cool. Him and Orlando Bloom dueling was cool. Keira Knightly was fucking hot. Anyway, the premise was solid pirate story and the execution wasn't bad either. I definitely liked Johnny Depp's character.
8/10


And now, what we've been seeing lately!


Jeepers Creepers 2
Wow. How shitty do you get. Way to drag out what should be a 20 minute sequence into almost a whole damn movie. A couple cool scenes, like the kid having the wing suddenly close shut around him and then being headless were good. But, toward the end, when the monster loses it's leg or whatever, and is flinging itself toward the black kid, oh my god, Carl and I laughed so fucking hard. Good to see some people in Hollywood still have no shame.
2/10


Cabin Fever
This was really good. Gory as hell and with really unique and funny characters. HA! That old hick guy at the store who keeps the shotgun "for niggers". Sooo funny. Plus, it had the kid from Boy Meets World, and also the cool guy from Grind.
9/10


Underworld
blah. Stupid "cool" movie. The general premise was okay, and the set and costumes were good (hot fucking chicks at the mansion, god damn!), but it wasn't really about anything I guess and it bored me. There's one huge stretch in the movie with no good action and just a bunch of plot developments, but since the plot didn't engage me I got bored. For an action movie, you must never do that. Like Fast and the Furious for christ's sake.
5/10


Once Upon a Time in Mexico
Hey, Johnny Depp again! Another cool character! Holy shit, it's the sequel to Desperado! Awesomeness! Not as good as it's predecessor, but with a pretty involved plot and lots of characters with lots of different goals and allegiences. However, I feel Rodriguez's time with Spy Kids has done his directing for the worse. The balance between ludicrous and violence in Desperado and Dusk til Dawn was perfect, and here he loses it, definitely, and it's too silly sometimes. When the drunkard mariachi jumps around the corner with his fingers drawn in a heated gun battle, no, no good.
9/10


House of the Dead
UGH. CRAPIEST CRAP KNOWN TO CRAPLAND. We knew this was going to suck. We knew it from the moment we saw the early trailer on the House of the Dead 3 X-Box disc. Damn. What trash. There were THREE good points to this movie. 1: Good reason for them to get guns. 2: Some nice set design, somewhat. 3: ... I can't remember what now, I'm so overwhelmed by what crap this movie was.

How can I explain? He cuts scenes with momentary clips from the video game for no reason whatsoever. The characters are terrible, one dimensional, morons. There's a battle when the heroes try to get from the woods to inside the building that takes for fucking ever. You wonder, how far was it from one side to the other, anyway? Characters die over the dumbest shit for crappy reasons. There are these annoying circular slow-down pans of the characters as they shoot, just to try to be like The Matrix, I guess. The entire premise of the film is shit, and has nothing to do with the game at all.

I have to wonder what this duchebag Uwe Boll has even got for experience! Oh, like, three movies including this one, the other two I've never even heard of.

Fuck you, Uwe Boll. You are trash. Carl and I could shit a better horror film. And film it better too.
0/10


Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Ugh. Dumb. The whole southern inbred hick psycho thing does nothing for me. The thing is, the original film is crap too. But it's a classic and was made on a tiny budget and has hilarious camerawork, so we respect it and it's good. But this movie has none of that and is just crap. Every scene with the sherrif annoyed me, except when he got run over. Oh, and starting the movie with a girl committing suicide was pretty cool and well done, and the way they referenced back to that later on towards the end of the movie was cool.
5.5/10


And on the horizon...

Scary Movie 3
This one looks like it could be the best of the whole bunch. I found the first one pretty dumb but funny, and the second one mostly bored me, but this one could be a lot better. I like the movies they seem to be spoofing here.
7/10


Brother Bear
Don't get me started. So much about the ad campaign for this has annoyed the fuck out of me. Fuck you, Disney.
1/10


Alien: The Director's Cut
FUCK YES! *does a dance* I'm gonna see Alien in the theater! woooo hooooo.
10/10


The Matrix: Revolutions
um. yeah. Gonna be so awesome, your head will explode.
10/10


Looney Tunes: Back in Action
hmmm. I go, hmmmmmmm....
5/10


Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
fuck you, Russell Crowe. You're a dumb shit.
3/10


Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
should be awesome just like the other two, yep.
9.5/10


Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat
Now this looks good but then you think about how awesome The Grinch was and then you think it's just not going to stand up to that. Damn.
8/10


The Haunted Mansion
Fuck you, Disney. And you too, Eddie Murphy. You haven't done anything good since Beverly Hills Cop 3.
3/10


Peter Pan
I'm looking forward to this one! I thought the trailer showed some really good stuff, and it seems a bit darker than all our previous film versions. sweet.
8/10


Resident Evil: Apocalypse
dude. Define awesome.
9/10


Gothika
Halle Berry sucks but this movie looks pretty sweet. I love the shot of the girl walking across the hallway, awesome effect.
8/10


Land of the Dead
just saw this trailer today. Carl and I are excited. ROMANO 4EVAR.
8/10



okay Carl, now SPEEEAK.
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